How I met your mother_01x01_03

Marshall: Oh, it is on! It is on (imitates robot) till the break of dawn.

Lily: wait, it’s only the break of ten-thirty. What happened?

[Flashback to Walking Robin home]

Robin: I’ve gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It’s gotta be blue, it’s gotta be French.

Ted: No Green Clarinet?

Robin: No.

Ted: Come on, no purple tuba?

Robin: It’s a smurf penis, we’re no dice.

(Metro News 1 Van appears)

Producer: (from inside van) there you are! We’ve got a jumper! Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you’re covering it!

Robin: Um, alright. I’ll be right there. (To Ted) I’m sorry. I had a really great time tonight.

Ted: Yeah.

[Flashback Over]

Marshall: So? Did you kiss her?

Ted: No. The moment wasn’t right. (They sigh) Look, this woman could be my future wife; I want our first kiss to be amazing.

Lily: Aww, Ted that’s so sweet. So you chickened out like the little bitch.

Ted: What? I did not chicken out! You know what? I don’t need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn’t been single since the first week of college.

Lily: Ted, anyone who’s single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don’t believe me…call him.

(Calls Barney)

(Barney’s playing laser tag on the other end of the line)

Barney: (Phone) Hey loser, how’s not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you Connor; don’t make me get your mom!

Ted: Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something.

Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes—AND SUIT UP!

[Slides to Bar Scene]

(Lily, Ted, Barney and Marshall sitting at a table)

Ted: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?

Barney: I can’t believe you’re still not wearing a SUIT!

Ted: She didn’t even give me the signal.

Barney: What is she goanna—is she goanna bat her eyes at you in Morse code (bats eyes)?? Ted (bats eyes) Kiss me—No, you just kiss her!

Ted: Not if you don’t get the signal.

Barney: Ee—(Kisses Marshal) Did Marshall give me the signal?

Marshall: No! (To Lily) I didn’t, I swear.

Barney: But see—at least, tonight, I get to sleep knowing, Marshall and Me… never going to happen. You should’ve kissed her.

Ted: Urgh, I should’ve kissed her. What about when she gets back from Orlando?

Barney: A week? That’s like—a year in hot girl time. She’ll forget all about you. Mark my words: you will never see that one again.

(notices Robin on Metro News 1 On TV)

Ted: There she is…

Lily: Ooo. She’s cute! (To Carl) Hey Carl, turn it up!

Robin: (on TV) …persuaded him to reconsider at which point the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending. Reporting from

Marshall: Huh, guy didn’t jump

Robin: (on TV) Metro One News, back to you bill.

Ted: I’m goanna go kiss her. Right now.

Marshall: Oh—Dude, it’s midnight. As your future lawyer I’m goanna advise you: that’s freakin’ crazy!

Ted: I never do anything crazy! I’m always waiting for the moment! Planning the moment! Well she’s leaving tomorrow this may be the only moment I’m goanna get! I gotta do what that guy couldn’t, I gotta take the leap! Okay not a perfect metaphor, for me it’s fall in love and get married—for him it’s… death.

Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. By the way, did I congratulate you two? (Raises glass to Lily and Marshall)

Ted: I’m doing this. (Starts to leave)

Lily: Let’s go (pulls Marshall up)

Marshall: Word up!

Lily: We’re coming with you.

Ted:…Barney?

Barney: Alright, but under one condition.

[Cut to Scene in Taxicab]

Barney: (happy) look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! This is totally going in my blog!

Ted: (To Ranjit—Cabdriver) Stop the car. Uh—pull over right here. I gotta do something.

(Runs into the bistro he was in on his date with Robin climbs on peoples table)

Ted: Excuse me, pardon me. (grabs the Blue French Horn) Enjoy your coffee. (Runs away)

Waitor: Hey, HEY!

(Jumps back into the taxicab)

Ted: go, go, GO! (looks to his friends. Shrugs) Everybody brings flowers.

[Fade out]

-----

Scene Seven

(Taxicab)

Ted: (Exhales) Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck. (Exhales)

Barney: Ted’s goanna get it on with a TV reporter (nods. Laughs.) This just in. Okay (holds hand up for high-fives)

Lily: Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good.

Marshall: Kiss the crap out of that girl

Ted: Marshall, remember this night. When you’re the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you’re goanna tell this story. (exits cab)

Barney: Why does he get to be the best man? (Shouts out) I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND!

Narrator: As I walked up to that door a million thoughts raced through my mind. Unfortunately, one particular thought did not.

[Flashback to Date]

Robin: I’ve got five dogs.

[Flashback Ends]

(Ted presses the buzzer, dogs begin to bark. Walks down the steps back toward the cab)

Ted: Not good, not good, not good, not good.

Lily: No!

Marshall: Go back in there!

Barney: You’re wearing a suit!

(Ted walks back toward the door)

Robin: (from window) Ted?

Ted: Hi! (Silence) I was just uh—(hold up Smurf Penis, aka French Horn)

Robin: Come on up.

(Ted enters)

[In the Cab]

Marshall: He’s in.

Barney: So, (looks to the cabdriver) Ranjit… you must’ve done it with a Lebanese girl.

Lily: Okay—that’s my Barney Limit. (Starts to leave the cab) I’m goanna see if that Bodega has a bathroom. (Leaves)

Ranjit: Actually, I’m from Bangladesh.

Barney: The women hot there?

Ranjit: Here’s a picture of my wife! (Shows picture)

Barney: (Whispers to Marshall) Simple no would have sufficed. (To Ranjit) She’s lovely.