How I met your mother_01x01_04

Robin: So, Ted. What brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a—suit.

Ted: I was just hoping to get those olives… that you said I could have.

Robin: Would you like those olives with some Gin and Vermouth?

Ted: Are you trying to get me drunk?

Robin: For starters (turns music on. Leaves to the kitchen)

Ted: (Looks up and mouths) Thank you.

[Cut to the Cab]

Barney: So, Marshall. This “Olive Theory” based on you and Lily?

Marshall: Yeah…

Barney: You hate olives? Lily loves them, you can’t stand them.

Marshall: Yeah, hate olives.

Barney: Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street, dish of olives—you had some. What up?

Marshall: (looks around for sign of Lily) You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.

Barney: I swear.

Ranjit: (Cuts into conversation) I swear.

Marshall: On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad; Lily asked if she could have my olives. I said, “Sure… I hate olives.”

Barney: But you like olives!

Marshall: Well, I was eighteen, okay? I was a virgin. Been waiting for my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.

Barney: Marshall, I’m going to get you an early wedding present. Don’t get married.

[Cut to Robin’s Apartment]

(Robin and Ted are dancing, all five dogs are watching)

Robin: I think I like your “Olive Theory”.

Ted: I think I like your French Horn.

Robin: I think I like your nose.

Ted: I think I’m in love with you.

[Cut to the bar]

(After Ted tells them the story)

Lily, Marshall and Barney: What?

[Cut to the year 2030.]

Son and Daughter: What?

[Cut to Robin’s Apartment]

Robin: What?

[Cut to the Cab]

Barney: Come on man, you said your stomach’s been hurting, right? You know what that is! Hunger. You’re hungry for experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives. But you’re too scared to do anything about it.

Marshall: Yeah, I’m scared, okay? But when I think about spending the rest of my life with Lily… committing forever, no other women (Lily appears behind Marshall in the open window) doesn’t scare me at all. I’m marrying that girl. (Lily pops her head in from the window. Marshall turns around) Lily. Lily, I like olives.

Lily: We’ll make it work. (They kiss.)

Ranjit: aww.

[Cut to Robin’s Apartment]

(Long Silence)

Ted: So Orlando, you goanna hit Disney World?

Robin: You love me?

Ted: Oh, god, I can’t believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go. (Gets up)

Robin: Hold on. (Gets up) Wait a minute. (Hands him Olives) Promised you these.

Ted: Olives. Thanks. I love you. What’s wrong with me?

[Cut to cab]

Barney: Why are we still sitting here? Let’s go! We can still make last call. What do you say Lil? (Pirate Accent) Yo, ho ho and a bottle o’ rum? (Silence) ‘Cuz you’re a pirate…

Lily: Okay, eye patch gone—(takes eye patch off and throws it at Barney) And we can’t just abandon Ted. If it doesn’t go well up there he’s gonna need some support.

Marshall: It’s been like twenty minutes. You think they’re doin’ it?

Barney: You think they’re doing it in front of the dogs?

Marshall: Doggie style. (Laughs)

Barney: I had this girl in college; she had a golden retriever—

Lily: Okay, we can go to the bar, just stop talking.

Barney: Hit it Ranjit. (They drive off)

(Ted and Robin come out the door)

Ted: So when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word “psycho”? I prefer…eccentric.

Robin: Good night, psycho (smiles). (Ted sarcastically clutches heart. Realizes friends left him)

Ted: Great (before Robin closes the door) Umm… how do I get to the F Train?

Robin: Oh, um—two blocks (comes out) that way (points) and take a right.

Ted: (upset/tired) Thanks. (Walks down the steps. Robin begins to walk in) You know what? (Robin stops. Ted turns around). I’m done being single. I’m not good at it. Look, obviously you can’t tell a woman you just met you love her. But… it sucks that you can’t. I’ll tell you something though, if a woman—not you… just some hypothetical woman—were to bare with me through all this. I think I’d make a damn good husband. Because that’s the stuff I’d be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father… and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.

Robin: Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser.

Ted: Oh, I’ve got references.

Robin: Good night, Ted. (Shake hands.)

Ted: And I’m a good hand shaker

Robin: that’s a pretty great hand shake. (Looks him in the eyes)

[Cut to later at the bar]

Ted: And that was it, probably never see her again. (Silence) What?

Marshall: That was the signal!

Lily: That long lingering handshake—you should’ve kissed her!

Barney: There’s no such thing as the signal. But yeah—that was the signal.

(Ranjit appears)

Rangit: Signal (nods)

Marshal: Ah, Carl thank you. Something I gotta do.

Carl: By the way, you should’ve kissed her.

Ted: Carl!? (turns to friends) You guys weren’t there.

(Marshall Pops cork without injuring anyone)

Lily: I am so turned on right now.

Ted: Guys, trust me. I’ve seen the signal. That was not the signal.

Barney: Yeah Ted, we’re not on you anymore.

Marshall: (Toasting) To my fiancé!

Lily: (smiles) to the future!

Ranjit: To one hell of a night!

Ted: That was not the signal!

(Scene pans out)

Narrator: I asked her about it years later, and yeah, that was the signal. I could’ve kissed her. But that’s the funny thing about destiny.

[Flashback to Robin Throwing Drink in Ted’s face]

Narrator: … it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I…

[Flashback to Robin laughing at Ted’s “Smurf Penis” joke]

Narrator: … never thought I’d see that girl again. But it…

[Flashback to Robin looking down at Ted from her apartment window]

Narrator: …turns out, I was just too close…

[Flashback to Robin and Ted dancing]

Narrator: …to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that kids…

[Cut to year 2030. Kids intently listening keenly interested]

Narrator: …is the true story, of how I met your Aunt Robin.

Son: Aunt Robin?

Daughter: I thought this was about how you met mom!

Narrator: Will you relax? I’m getting to it. (Son and daughter sit back unpleased) like I said:

[Cut to panning out at the bar]

Narrator: …it’s a long story.