How I met your mother_01x01_01

Marshall: (Opens ring) Will you marry me.

Ted: Yes, perfect! And then you’re engaged, you pop the champagne! You drink a toast! You have sex on the kitchen floor… Don’t have sex on our kitchen floor.

Marshall: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

Ted: Dude, are you kidding? It’s you and Lily! I’ve been there for all the big moments of you and Lily. The night you met. Your first date… other first things.

Marshall: (laughs) yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep.

Ted: It’s physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. My god, you’re getting engaged tonight.

Marshall: Yeah, what are you doing tonight?

(Scene Freezes)

Narrator: What was I doing? Your Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life, and me—I’m calling your Uncle, Barney.

[Cut to Later: Barney’s in the barber shop, Ted’s talking from home]

Barney: (on the phone) hey, so you know how I’ve always had a thing for half-Asian girls? Well, now I’ve got a new favorite: Lebanese girls! Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.

Ted: Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and Suit up!

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Scene Two

(The Bar)

Ted: Hey.

Barney: Where’s your suit!?  Just once when I say suit up, I wish you’d put on a suit.

Ted: I did that one time.

Barney: It was a blazer!

Ted: You know, ever since college it’s been Marshall and Lily and me. Now it’s going to be Marshall and Lily… and me. They’ll get married, start a family—before long I’m the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call “Uncle Ted”.

(Barney hits Ted)

Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?

[Cut to Flashback the night Barney and Ted met]

[Still in the Bar]

(Ted is talking to another couple; Barney randomly joins them and interrupts)

Barney: Ted, I’m going to teach you how to live. (Ted’s shocked) Barney, we met at the urinal.

Ted: Oh, right. Hi.

Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn’t look good with your suit.

Ted: I’m not wearing a suit.

Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. (Points to self with bear bottle in hand) Exhibit A. (Flirts to a woman unseen) Lesson three, don’t even think about getting married till you’re… thirty.

[Flashback ends]

Ted: Thirty, right. You’re right. I guess it’s just, you’re best friend gets engaged—you start thinking about that stuff.

Barney: I thought I was your best friend. Ted, say I’m your best friend.

Ted: You’re my best friend, Barney.

Barney: Good! And as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game called… “Have you met Ted?”

Ted: Wai—no, no, no. We’re not playing “Have You Met Ted?”

Barney: (Taps a woman names Yasmine) Hi, have you met Ted? (Leaves and watches from a distance).

Ted: (To Yasmine) Hi, I’m Ted.

Yasmine: Yasmine.

Ted: It’s a very pretty name.

Yasmine: Thanks, It’s Lebanese.

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Scene Three

(The Apartment)

Marshall: Hey!

Lily: Urgh. I’m exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five year old boy (takes coat off revealing a purple hand print on her right breast) got to second base with me. Wow, you’re cooking?

Marshall: Yes, I am.

Lily: Aww—(They kiss) Are you sure that’s a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows.

Marshall: I can handle this; I’m full of surprises tonight.

Lily: So there’s more surprises? Like what?

Narrator: Marshall was in his second year of law school, so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet.

Marshall: BOOGITY BOO! And that’s all of them! I’m goanna go… cook. (Leaves)

[Cut to the bar, Ted is chatting with Yasmine]

Ted: I’m so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just couldn’t imagine settling down right now.

Yasmine: So do you think you’ll ever get married?

Ted: Well maybe eventually. Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we’ll write our own vows. But--eh--no DJ, people will dance. I’m not going to worry about it! Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged? (Yasmine laughs) Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?

Yasmine: Actually, I think it’s cute.

Ted: Well, you’re clearly drunk (pulls her wine glass away. Hold up glass to bartender) ONE MORE FOR THE LADY!

[Cut to Kitchen with Marshall and Lily. Lily has a pan out sautéing, Marshall jumps off a countertop]

Marshall: Okay, look what I got (runs to the fridge. Takes out wine bottle)

Lily: Aw—honey. Champagne! (hands it to Marshall)

Marshall: (after short silence) Yeah. (hands it back)

Lily: (realizing) No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne!

Marshall: I’m not scared.

Lily: Then open it!

Marshall: Fine (takes bottle. Looks at it for a couple of seconds) Please open it (hands it to Lily)

Lily: You are unbelievable, Marshall. No—(Scene splits in half and shows both Lily and Marshall on top arguing and Ted and Yasmine on the bottom mingling)

Narrator: There are two big questions a man has to ask in life. One you plan out for months, the other just slips out when you’re half drunk at some bar.

Marshall: (To Lily) will you marry me?

Ted: (To Yasmine) you wanna go out sometime?

(Scene split ends, and returns to Lily and Marshall’s scene)

Lily: Of course, you idiot! (hugs him and they fall back)

[Cut to Scene with Ted and Yasmine at bar]

Yasmine: I’m sorry; Carl’s my boyfriend (points to bartender)

Ted: Sup, Carl?